I'm really unhappy right now. I
recently applied for a job that was perfect for me, and I would have
been great at it. I had a great interview, everything was great. But
I didn't get the job. I did, however, receive an email telling me how
great I was, and how qualified I was, and how pleasant it was for the
interviewers to meet me – but sorry, no cookie. So, here I am.
Sitting in South Florida with my instruments and Master degrees,
working at a deli, getting asked if I am aware of the difference
between “pasta salad” and “macaroni” salad, getting fussed at
because I grabbed the wrong to-go box. In moments like these, I
really can't help but wonder...
What the hell am I doing?! Where did I
go wrong?!
I thought I had worked hard, I thought
the work I had done was good. I thought that I was capable, I thought
I was qualified. However, my circumstances state the exact opposite.
Maybe this is all for a reason, right?
Maybe all of this crap, all of these events and situations that are
working against me are for a greater “good,” maybe their purpose
is to set the stage for some glorious future I'm supposed to have.
Probably not, though. I mean, I've already spent all this time, all
this money, but I really don't have much to show for it today. I have
a full-time job that will essentially pay my bills, why not just nix
the whole music facade? Why not sell my instruments? That alone would
pay off a good bit of debt. Maybe I should just drop it all and stop trying to fool
myself and everyone else.
(I know all of that sounds dramatic and
maybe like a little bit of overkill but seriously, those are real
thoughts that I have had during this past year.)
So, you may then be wondering, what
does a classy guy like me do when faced with rejection and dejection?
Well, my first instinct was to cry, but instead I took it like a real
man and curled up in a blanket on the couch plowing my way through a
pack of Oreos while watching “Inside the Actors Studio.”
On one of the episodes that I watched
Meryl Streep was the guest. I'm a huge fan of her work, and so I was
pretty intent on using the power of her, well her “her-ness” to
wean me out of my post-Oreo cloud and up off the couch. I found much
of her discussion engaging, entertaining, and enlightening, but I
especially liked what she had to say around 13:00 or so:
She basically speaks of the
'sacredness' of her art, and the susceptibility she feels when she's
really in the moment and in the character. She speaks of a oneness
with her character, and of a performance by Liza Monelli where Liza
was just desperately trying to give to the audience. This all just
really made an impression on me. The ethereal, intangible qualities
of the arts that draw us as artists and create an insatiable urge to
give, to put forth of ourselves and of our craft.
That desire to create, to “give!”
as Meryl put it, is what I still feel. Sure I'm upset, my ego is
bruised, but I still want to keep going. The recognition of that
little bit of personal truth provided me with enough hope to try
reconsidering my situation: Sure my job isn't in music, BUT it leaves
me all my afternoons and evenings free – plenty of time to
practice, analyze, compose, write, teach, or gig! The job isn't
ideal, but I like it enough and it gives me enough income to keep me
going. There are no upcoming gigs, and certainly no prospective
recitals in sight, but I remember telling myself before I even left
graduate school that I just wanted to get a job doing something
tolerable so I could spend my off time getting my musical skills in
order – I've got that!
Basically, I am pretty hurt from
everything I've been dealing with, but the only thing I can do is
keep moving forward. I don't know where I'm going, but I've got to
keep moving. I'm going to go practice now.
“If you're going through hell, keep
going.” - Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
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