Goals vs. Ultimatums

A big challenge that I've faced recently has been dealing with 'goals' I'd set for myself:

- I want to graduate in December...
- I want to change my embouchure/manner of playing...
- I want to play an hours worth of very tough repertoire on two friends' DMA recitals...
- I want to pay off significant portions of student loans...
- I want to eat right and exercise more...

Each of these 'goals' were always followed by an 'Or else!':

- I want to graduate in December...Or else I'm a failure who can't complete anything!
- I want to change my embouchure/manner of playing... Or else I won't be able to (see next line)
- I want to play an hours worth of very tough repertoire on two friends' DMA recitals... Or else I'll fail them and embarass myself!
- I want to pay off significant portions of student loans... Or I'll be forever enslaved by my debt!
- I want to eat right and exercise more... Or I'll be gross and out of shape forever!

Seeing it laid out like this, I see how ridiculous this really is! While some of these situations are basically true, first of all they wouldn't be permanent, and second of all, they aren't really quite that dramatic!

The obvious solution is to reassess those goals. But that indicates failure, right? Wrong! These goals aren't set in stone! Certainly, you can't avoid playing a recital you agreed to months ago, and of course not paying back loans is a bad idea as well, but why not just adjust the goals to suit your current capacities? Why can't I just decide to make payments that fit my current fiscal situation? Why not just make minor diet adjustments? Why not accept my playing as it is and then see where I'm able to take it?

Thanks to a mix of epiphanies and near-breakdowns, I've finally been coming to terms with where I really am in life. It may not be where I wanted to be or thought I would be at this point in my life, but that's oka

Anything but balanced

Of course I'd love to say that I've got it figured out. I'd love to say that I have great plans for my future. I'd love to say that I feel confident in everything I'm doing and that I know it will all turn out okay.

But I don't.

I have no stable income from music, save for my one private student. My current job will end when I *hopefully* graduate in December. My current plan is to just find some way of paying the bills until I can figure out what to do next.

Which, I suppose, sounds pretty depressing, doesn't it? Maybe it is, but maybe it's the reality of today that will become the backdrop for future successes - things that I will truly be happy for, especially in light of my current worries.

Perhaps I should provide a bit more insight into myself at this point:
I'm 24, a flutist (in case you missed the title of the blog). I have an unfortunately large amount of student loan debts to pay off, and am in a long-term relationship that is unfortunately long-distance for the time being. I enjoy cooking, and reading up on personal finance and music, practicing, frugality, etc.

I've noticed that there aren't really any good online sources for people with irregular incomes (i.e. - no regular paychecks!) or for musicians who maybe aren't reveling in their successes as a working musician, or aren't overcome with joy at the start of each day. I'm hoping that this blog will help me find my way to making some sort of decent living in music, and maybe it will inspire or at least provide some hope for someone else who may be in a similar position.

More to come, after I force myself to change out of my pajamas... :)